Why? The first question I owe an answer to.

 

 

Why did I decide to start this blog?

Let me start by saying that I just deleted 1,700 words. This is the second article I write on why I started this blog, but the first one was loaded with emotion and it just gave way too much context.

I feel the need to share what’s in my heart, and on my mind. We’ve all had our ups and downs; some of us, have had stratospheric ups, and center-of-the-earth downs; but, in a way, the principles that will allow us to heal, grow and transcend these unfortunate events are almost universal.

I’m very happy with where I am right now. This doesn’t mean my life is 99.9% perfect, because it never will be; but even with all the problems that I’m facing, I still feel satisfied with the progress and growth I’ve been able to experiment these past few years. I won’t lie to you, it has been a very tough, tormenting and more often then not horrific road to outgrow my complexes and make peace with who I am as an individual, but it has led me to feel responsible for sharing my experience with others who might undergo similar situations.

In the original article, I talked about my parent’s divorce, the economic roller coaster I experienced in my childhood and adolescence, my amazing mother and how she managed to put the weight of the world on her shoulders; and all of this was meant to give you context of all the problems I had to fix in myself. But then I thought about it… I thought: “You know?! Maybe it’d be better if I just start posting articles with the tools that helped me overcome everything! Maybe that will make it easier for people adjust them to their reality”. And so, this article was born.

That doesn’t mean I’m gonna leave you with no clue as to who I was, and what I feel I have achieved. That being said, this is the definition I made of myself (since my late teenage years all up to my late 20’s), for context purposes:

“A great guy overall. Very smart and talented, with a magnetic personality and a successful professional career. Somewhat impulsive, seems to have trouble focusing on activities and seeing things all the way through. Definitely humble and giving, but horrible with money, and quite frankly, a little on the unreliable side; given the fact that his behavior and decisions seem to be erratic and completely impulse driven. For some reason, he always seems to be trying to impress others, and he cares too much of how others see him”.

What I didn’t say in my description, is that all the impulsivity, bad relationship with money and low self-esteem lead me to accumulating well over USD 150k in debt, failing at my marriage and losing myself in general. I was thrown into a very dark place. I later discovered that I had a cocktail of adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), along with GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder).

Anxiety has been, by a long shot, my most expensive personality trait. It costed me a lot. All of the sleepless nights wondering on Amazon, looking for my next impulse purchase. The irritability that characterized most of my interactions with my former wife. The constant feeling that everything was going to go south, and that every phone call was a horrible news headed my way, and the horrible feeling that every day was going to be my last. I kid you not, it was horrible.

But blaming anxiety alone would be completely irresponsible. Like I said before, it was a cocktail. Some were disorders, others were personality traits, there were also several difficult events (including the passing of family members) and some were just mere learned behaviors.

Turning everything around was quite the challenge, specially when the starting point was having no acknowledgement that there were any issues whatsoever. It took years of fucking up, over and over and over again. People that I loved were hurt, I lost my marriage and family, my economy went to shit and I completely lost the notion of who I was, and what my purpose was.

It wasn’t until I hit what others usually call “rock bottom”. I just call it “my time”. I was done living in depression, fear, anxiety and sadness. I realized that I had been fucking up ever since I could remember. Life wasn’t going to give me any more chances. There were no other sources of borrowing in the horizon. The bank calls were just going to evolve into lawsuits. I WAS DONE.

And then one feeling took over: love. Let me be more specific: SELF LOVE.

I found a way to pick myself up, and glue all the pieces back together. How did I achieve that? Excellent question!

In the upcoming series of posts, I will talk about the things that had to happen in order for me to change, and to transcend. I hope you enjoy this adventure, and I promise you to invest all of my heart and essence in every post.

   Thank you for giving me the honor of sharing my story with you, and I’ll see you next time!

Love,

Abe.

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